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as well as a population of under half a million, is that although they have a few pitches scattered about the island that are used for organised leagues etc, they don’t have what I had as a kid: a park two minutes walk from my door which was free and had bundles of space to kick and run about in.  Basically, as a Maltese colleague of mine said in a taxi full of English people - "the problem here is the children have nowhere to re-create themselves!".    Yet this country is full of little oddities and quirks - some of them quite nice actually.  Indeed there is something strongly reminiscent of England in the 1950's about the whole society - it's a genuinely neighbourly place and children respect their elders and the streets are extremely safe all hours of the day and night.  But along with all those feel-good "perks", the public transport system (which is buses only) is chock full of old school buses from the 1950's and I swear most of them haven't been upholstered or changed in the slightest way since.  The suspension is non-existent and the roads are effectively bouncing, slippery, pot-holed affairs that take seeing to believe.  I have sat at the back on one of these creatures and my head has literally brushed the roof as we have gone in and out of a pothole in the road!  And it was one of these really cranky old machines that I boarded this morning.  I have become canny enough with the system here to have discovered a "quicker" bus that is a kind of express from my home to work.  The reason the bus is a so called "express" (SORRY I DID ACTUALLY JUST LAUGH SPONTANEOUSLY THEN) is that unlike virtually all the other buses that run along the main coast, this bus DOESN'T go to the capital Valletta, but instead to the hospital (which serves my purposes perfectly).  The majority of tourists who board the bus along the coast (and the tourists make up about 90% of the passengers on these routes from April to December) are going to Valletta, so this bus I was on this morning was useless to them.  Often the drivers of the 675  ignores almost all requests to board the bus unless it is made by either  an extremely old person or an obvious local (I get on at the terminus so I avoid this selection process).  Frailty or illness isn’t guaranteed to get the bus to stop either, and the bus drivers, if they stop, will generally quiz the boarding passenger as to their destination.  This can be annoying, but often amusing or ridiculous - a woman got on the other day with her arm in plaster and the driver quizzed "where you going?" and he waited for her to reply "the hospital" before punching out her ticket.    This morning though was different.  To start with the bus was late (which it never is) and was driven by a very odd looking guy who definitely was afflicted with something though I can't say exactly what but it involved quite a bit of twitching.  I was quizzed as to my destination as I boarded as was everyone else which was a good sign in many ways because it suggested he might not be in the mood to stop much along the route, thus resulting in a quick journey to work for me.  I couldn't be more wrong!  He actually made a stop for a random group of Spanish tourists who weren't even standing at a bus stop and asked them where they were going, they looked confused but answered Msida - so they were going somewhere - he huffed and drove on.  Next stop was at Paceville - one of the main stops along the route - bloated with tourists and general clueless looking dudes (you know the type - generally mouth open as if about to ask any passing person a question but they didn’t know what to say - generally looking skyward, often clutching a map and kitted out as if they are going to climb a mountain instead of walk around a town centre).  He pulled in - elderly local woman got on - fair enough she obviously knew her onions - then a hefty looking fellow boarded, bought a ticket then said "Valletta?" - to which the driver answered "no Valetta" to which the bloke just carried on and sat down.  "NO Valletta!" asserted the driver.  The guy looked at him baffled and finally got the message (kind off) and stumbled off, only to be followed by a young couple who poked their heads into the bus announcing , innocently (though everyone on the bus wanting to kill them), "do you go to Valletta ?".  "No Valletta" came the reply.  The driver then stared at them and those behind the couple who may have thought about asking the same question and the tourists backed off from the bus and we drove on.  Hoorah I thought, this driver won’t stop again after that lot of shenanigans.  We trundled along to the next stop - a minute away from the last one and to my horror he pulled up again for a group of extremely clueless looking punters.  "Valletta?"  "No Valletta"... the passenger got the message and retreated.  "Valletta?"  "No Valletta."  Then the same person ... carried on "Sliema Ferry?" (which the bus does stop at but often this request isn’t actually enough to be allowed on board - they will only really take you consistently if you reply Hospital or Mater Dei - the name of the hospital - when challenged).  The driver sighed and gave in to this request and nodded and on got the tourist along with several others who followed.  These people were all apparently going to Sliema Ferry, when the last of the party of six got on and approached the driver to pay and said "six to Valletta please ?".  "NO VALLETTA!!!" replied the driver and to the astonishment of the passenger.  Then the six who had boarded all had to get off which caused confusion amongst them and wasn't a quick process.  Eventually they left.  Amazingly the driver proceeded to stop at nearly every available opportunity along the route and at every stop, at least once, did  have to use his catchphrase - "No Valletta".  At one stop a tourist didn’t seem to understand the driver's plea as he continued to board to the cries of “no to Valletta”.  The driver turned to the Maltese passengers on the bus, appealing for help, and one random bloke announced - "no this bus doesn’t go to Valletta".    By this stage several of us were laughing expectantly on the approach to each stop and we were never let down.  In the end the driver got with the programme and became more animated - protruding from his seat as passengers attempted to board - and before they climbed the first step he shouted  "Valletta ?".   When they nodded he raised his voice "No Valletta!!" and made a no pass movement with his hands.  He was forced into laughter on several occasions.  The stop before I got off, as we approached, the whole bus including the driver was giggling as we got closer to the pick-up point....there was a pause …. a passenger got on, the driver turned to the bus as if on stage and said calmly yet pointedly, "Valletta ?".  The tourist replied, "yes please", to which the driver and several passengers replied "NO VALLETTA !!!".    An odd way to start the day I think you'll agree.  But I found myself laughing to myself as I walked up the street.  I think I'll make these drivers a sign to put in the window.  I don’t have to tell you what it would say do I?